REFLECTIONS

ANDREW SMITH

 

Reflecting on events, issues and my direction in life is something I do very often. Sometimes I wonder if I do it too often and get too deep in my thoughts and lose my focus when I get too deep in my reflections and the thoughts in my mind overwhelm me and my mind becomes overloaded with thoughts, ideas, theories and situations that fly around my mind at lightning speed. Some of these thoughts mingle and merge with other thoughts, others merely flash in my mind for a split second and are gone before they have had time to register in any meaningful manner.

My reflections have recently become more focused in their initial manifestations and far less random. This has helped me enormously and enabled me to at least have a mind overloaded with relevant thoughts rather than irrelevant, abstract thoughts. This for me at least means I have more time and more mental ability to focus on any issues I have in my life.

But what are these issues? Well the first one concerns my potential ‘brain damage’. The MRI scan was done some weeks ago now and the results are now through. That at least is the good news. Unfortunately and understandably my GP does not have the necessary specialist knowledge required to interpret them and I am now waiting for an appointment to see a neurologist to get an accurate interpretation of the scan and to decide what the next step is. I have a gut feeling that this issue will go on for some time because my GP has stated that the neurologist will also be looking at my past medical history covering the time since I had the original cancer. This is around 23 years so there is a lot of notes and history to go through. To be honest I am trying not to give it too much thought as the whole situation is incredibly complex and giving it too much thought will not get me anywhere.

The next issue is my impending return to university. Incredibly despite my not putting in too much effort I still managed to pass my first year, although I feel I was given the ‘benefit of the doubt’ on some subjects. However I have realised that I will not be able to do the same this year and I need to ‘up my game’ so to speak if I am to do as well as I am told I can do by my peers. To this end I have purchased some books on ‘critical thinking’ as I feel this is an area in which I need to improve and reading them is opening my mind up to new ways of thinking and new possibilities.

Another issue which is constantly on my mind at the moment is how I can improve my general well-being and ensure that I feel at my best more often and for longer. This ties in with my potential brain damage as this has a tremendous effect on my day to day life and what I can and cannot do. For example fatigue has an immense impact on my day to day life and can hit me at any-time. I am now learning to recognise the signs of when fatigue is hitting me and managing it far better. And in my day to day life I am giving myself more time to do jobs I have to do and for relaxing as well by breaking everything down into smaller and more manageable chunks which has had a beneficial effect for me.

All in all despite having these issues I feel that I am in a far better place than I was at this time last year. I still have problems with anxiety, stress and coping with pressure but they are improving all the time. I am looking forward to the future with renewed confidence and vigour and I am looking forward to my second year at university and building on my knowledge and experience.